And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a petrol bunk

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..... .

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Kingfisher for 500 rs.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for 300 rs.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream..

And then the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:

the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

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Girlfriend 6.0 vs. Wife 1.0 Comparative Trial

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

a "Don't remind me again" button
a Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 7.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 7.0 on top of Girlfriend 6.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 6.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 6.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Bug Warning

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Bug work-arounds: To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.


Tech Support Suggestions

These are very common problem men complain about, but are mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

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Management Lesson....!!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened – Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next..

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

Have A Lovely Day!

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Raffle A Dead Donkey !

A city boy, Raju, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for Rs 100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next
day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died last night."

Raju replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Raju said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."

The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Raju: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a
thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the
same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Raju: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Raju and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?" Raju: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets
at two rupees a piece and made a profit of Rs. 898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Raju: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two rupees."

*** *** *** ***

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Grant you one wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded uabove his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to Justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make that woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Never argue with a woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies ,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'


 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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Doctor recommendations : U will Like it

I love this Doctor
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

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Pakistan and US true allies

Mohammed, a Pakistani child, entered his classroom on the first day of

school in Ohio (USA)

"What is your name?" - asked the teacher.

"Mohammed". . .. - answered the kid.

"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,"

-replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?"

- asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your

parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

- and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school..

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened

to you little Johnny"?

Well madam, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by

two Pakistani's At home."

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Obama's Presidential Car....!!!!

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Wife is a Wife.

A Wife is a Wife,
no matter who
THE HELL
you are!!

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Religious Indian

An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked
up by an ambulance.

Being religious, he kept repeating -

Hari Om Hari Om Hari Om.

When the ambulance pulled into his home, his wife came out and
screamed to the paramedics:

Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?'

They replied 'Because he kept saying -

Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home!'

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A to Z

OK We all know what ABCD is...


ABCD = American Born Confused Desi.

so how about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ?s


American Based Confused Desi, Emigrated From Gujarat, Housed In Jersey,
Keeping Lotsa Motels, Named Omkar Patel, Quickly Reached Success
Through Underhand Vicious Ways, Xenophobic Yet Zestful.


.....dare to beat that?

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TWO EYES

Do you know the relation between two eyes?

They never see each other....... ... BUT

They blink together
They move together
They cry together
They see things together
They sleep together
They share a very deep bonded relationship

However, when they see a woman, one will blink and another will not.

Moral of the story:
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Women can break any kind of relationship!

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